Carter's Cooking
by Mickey3
Summary: A series of drabbles and ficlets in which my muse has decided to be very mean to Carter, unmercifully picking on her cooking. Repeat after me. The writer is not evil. The Muse is evil.
1. Chocolate Chip Cookies?

**Chocolate Chip . . . Cookies?**  
By Mickey

STORY STATUS: Completed 11/5/06

SEASON: Early

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the November 3rd Jackfic drabble word "ouch".

* * *

"Carter, what the hell happened here?" Jack yelled over the blaring alarm.

"Cassie needs to bring something for her class party. Janet was busy, so I volunteered to bake chocolate chip cookies. I though if I doubled the recommended oven setting they'd cook faster and I could make more." She pulled a smoking tray out and set it on the stovetop.

Daniel burst into the kitchen, grabbed the fire extinguisher, and doused the smoldering tray.

Carter frowned at him.

"What! I thought there was a fire." Daniel said defensively.

"Mrs. Fields, she ain't." Jack smiled and muttered to Teal'c.

_"Ouch!"_

_THE END_


	2. Ewww!

**Ewww!**

STORY STATUS: Complete 9-3-05

WORD COUNT: 106

AUTHORS NOTE: Drabble for the September 2nd Jackfic drabble word 'vomit'. This is my first attempt at a dialog only fic. Enjoy.

* * *

"Ewww! Projectile vomiting."

"This isn't funny, Jack."

"Yes it is. I told you not to eat that stuff."

"I was not aware vomit was a joking matter, O'Neill."

"It is when you tell someone _not_ to eat something and they do it anyway."

"Here, drink this."

"What is it?"

"You don't want to know, but it'll settle your stomach. Drink."

"Yuck! That's disgusting."

"I didn't say it would taste good. Drink up. All of it."

"Perhaps you should sit down Daniel Jackson."

"Better?"

"Yeah, a little."

"Next time I tell you not to eat Carter's cooking you'll listen won't you?"

"That's not funny, Sir."

"Is."

_"__Ouch."_

_THE END_


	3. Are You Sure It's A Sponge Cake?

**Are You Sure It's A Sponge Cake  
**

STORY STATUS: Completed 9-17-05

WORD COUNT: 135

AUTHORS NOTE: I do like Carter. Honestly! The idea just popped into my head and I had to run with it. My muse seems to particularly mean lately and poor Sam is catching the brunt of it. Drabble for the September 16th Jackfic drabble word 'Sponge'.

* * *

Daniel sniffed his cake suspiciously. He wasn't going to be so trusting this time.

Jack touched his piece, pushing it down with his finger and wincing when it popped back up quickly. "Carter, you do know you don't actually put a _sponge_ in the cake, right?"

"Yes, Sir." Carter said irritably. "Geez, accidentally make a guy sick once and you're branded for life. I _didn't_ put a sponge in it."

Daniel turned to Teal'c, who was holding his own piece away from himself. "You try it."

"I do not wish to become ill Daniel Jackson."

"Wouldn't work anyway, T. You're snake would probably prevent it."

"Well, if that's how you guys are going to be I won't make anything for you anymore."

"Maybe there is a god after all." Jack mumbled.

Too loudly.

Crap.

"_Ouch_"

_THE END_


	4. Chocolate Cake

**Chocolate Cake**

STORY STATUS: Completed 10-2-05

WORD COUNT: 118

AUTHORS NOTE: Ya know, I really thought my muse had gotten this out of her system. Apparently not. :Sigh: I _told_ you she's _evil!_ Written for the September 30th Jackfic drabble word 'Doohickey'.

* * *

"Food mixer doohickey?"

"That's what I said Daniel. The colonel doesn't have a monopoly on the word."

"Carter, it's just called a mixer and I thought you weren't going to cook anymore?"

"It's just a chocolate cake, sir. How hard can it be? See. You just add the mix, eggs, oil, and water and turn on the mixer."

"Holy crap, Carter! You're not supposed to start it on high! Hit the power button!"

"Thanks, T."

"You are welcome O'Neill."

"Geez, Sam, you can build a naquadah generator but you can't operate a simple mixer?"

"Yeah, well, _those_ are easy. I'm sorry, sir, I'll clean this up."

"So much for there being a god . . . oops."

"_Ouch!_"

_THE END_


	5. It's Meatloaf

**It's Meatloaf**

STORY STATUS: Completed 10-16-05

WORD COUNT: 107

AUTHORS NOTE: She made me do it I swear:points accusing finger at the muse: I guess this is officially a series now. Written for the October 15th drabble word "Bones".

* * *

"Got a bone in yours, Daniel?" Jack slapped his friend on the back.

"I do not believe there are bones in meatloaf."

"That's what it's supposed to be." Daniel muttered having finally cleared his airway.

"There aren't, T. It's just an expression."

"Ha ha, very funny guys. There's nothing wrong with my meatloaf. Daniel just took too big of a bite."

"Carter, he barely took a baby sized bite."

"Fine. Next time one of _you_ cook," Carter said looking royally pissed.

"Daniel, call for take out."

Teal'c got up and dumped his food in the garbage.

Jack poked at his. "It would make a good puck."

"_Ouch!_"

_THE END_


	6. Sweet Potatoes

**Sweet Potatoes**

STORY STATUS: Completed 11-22-05

WORD COUNT: 150

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the Jackfic November 18th drabble word "Gobble". She's at it again. Blame the muse. It's her fault! Really! Thanks to my beta, Cokie.

* * *

"Carter. Where's the sweet potatoes?"

"Right there, sir."

Jack stared at the brownish-black mass in the bowl in front of him. He sniffed it suspiciously. He was _so_ not eating that.

He'd had rest of the meal catered, but Sam had insisted on making the sweet potatoes. From an old family recipe.

"Sam, sweet potatoes aren't supposed to be that color."

"I do not believe they should be of that consistency either."

"Come on guys, don't knock it until you've tried it." She looked at the colonel expectantly.

"I don't _think_ so." Jack looked at Daniel.

Daniel gulped, stuck his spoon in the bowl, and pulled out some of the gooey substance. He hesitated, then at Carter's pleading look stuck it in his mouth. He immediately blanched and made a bee-line for the bathroom.

"At least the rest of it's edible." He mumbled, a little too loudly. Again.

_"Ouch!_"

_THE END_


	7. You call That Cake?

**You Call That Cake?**

STORY STATUS: Completed 3-22-06

SEASON: 3 anytime after Fair Game

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the March 10th Jackfic drabble word 'Cake'. She's at it again! My muse has decided to pick on Carter again.

* * *

"Didn't we agree you weren't going to cook anymore?"

"No Daniel, _you guys_ agreed I wouldn't cook anymore. Besides, it's one of my Mom's favorite recipes so I figured I'd give it a go."

"Is that wise, Major Carter?"

"Oh very funny, Teal'c. You sound like the colonel."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Humf. Try a piece Daniel, you might like it"

"I got sick _twice_ after eating your cooking."

"Coincidence. Teal'c?"

"I must refrain. I am... on a diet."

"Bull! How about you, sir?"

"I'm not eating any 'cake' that resembles a door stop."

_"__Ouch!_"

_THE END_


	8. Chicken Soup

**Chicken Soup  
**

STORY STATUS: Completed 6/4/06

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the June 2nd Jackfic weekly challenge word 'Poison'.

* * *

"Carter! Are you _trying_ to poison me? What the heck is this . . . this . . . stuff?" Jack gagged as he swallowed a mouth full of the substance in his cup.

"It's chicken soup, sir. It will make you feel better."

"Dead is not 'better', Major." At the deadly look on Carter's face, Jack changed the subject. "Where are Daniel and Teal'c? I thought they were coming too."

"They'll be here in a few minutes." Carter turned towards the kitchen. "I'll get you some water so you can take your pills."

"Only she could screw up soup from a can." Jack muttered.

_"Ouch!"_

_THE END_


	9. A Hunka, Hunka Burning Something?

**A Hunka, Hunka Burning . . . Something?**

STORY STATUS: Completed 7/21/06

SEASON: Any from 3 on

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the July 13th Jackfic drabble word "Garbage". She's at it again! Thanks, as always, to my wonderful beta, Cokie!

* * *

"Just throw it in the garbage, Carter. I'll start up the grill."

"It's not burnt. It's just a little dark."

"Dark, Sam? It's burnt to a crisp."

"Come on, Daniel, it's not _that_ bad. Just put some barbeque sauce on it and it'll be fine."

"_Nothing_ will help that."

"Teal'c, tell them it's fine."

"I can not. I can no longer ascertain what it is. Or was."

"Good one, T! Just give it up, Carter. We're all starving here and that whatever it was is a crispy critter."

"Just scrap off the burnt parts."

"They'll be nothing left!"

"_Ouch!_"

_THE END_


	10. Diesel Fuel

**Diesel Fuel**

STORY STATUS: Completed 7/25/06

SEASON: Any

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the July 24th JackFic drabble word 'Tongue'. Many thanks, as always, to my beta, Cokie!

* * *

"Yuck. That was awful." Daniel grabbed a paper towel from the counter and rubbed his tongue.

Sam wasn't sure if she should be insulted, or laugh at the look on Daniel's face. "It's Hazel Nut, your favorite."

"Used to be." Daniel muttered.

Jack barely contained a snicker as he handed Daniel a glass of water.

Teal'c sniffed his cup suspiciously. "Coffee should not be thick."

"It's not that bad. I think maybe I used too many grounds."

"That's an understatement." Jack whispered to Teal'c.

"You're quiet, sir. Have you tried it?"

"No, Carter. I'm not into drinking diesel fuel."

_"Ouch!"_

_THE END_


	11. Incoming!

**Incoming!**

STORY STATUS: Completed 9/7/06

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the September 1st JackFic drabble phrase "I could be wrong, but..." The evil muse strikes again! Many thanks to my beta reader, Cokie! Also, thanks to Cokie for the title.

* * *

"I could be wrong, but..."

"Carter! You know I don't like it when you start a sentence like that. Especially in _my_ kitchen!"

Sam glared at her CO and friend. "Yes, sir."

"Sam, is it supposed to do that?"

"Take cover!" Teal'c shouted as the lid of the pan suddenly shot across the room.

All four members of SG-1 hit the floor as it crashed into the far wall.

"That's it! You are officially banned from cooking in my kitchen. Forever!"

"Too bad I can't ban her from _all_ kitchens." Jack muttered to Teal'c.

Crap! Jack tried to duck.

_"Ouch!"_

_THE END_


	12. Blue Jello?

**Blue . . . Jell-o?  
**

STORY STATUS: Completed 5/29/07

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Unbeta-ed. Any mistakes are my own.

* * *

"Carter, what _is_ this?" Jack asked as he poked at the gelatinous blue substance on his plate.

"It's Jell-o, of course." Carter replied in indignation.

She glared at Daniel as he stifled a laugh.

Teal'c said nothing but regarded his Jell-o with suspicion.

"I know Jell-o," Jack said as he prodded his desert yet again, "and this ain't Jell-o. Jell-o _wiggles_,!" His desert barely moved.

Daniel stifled another laugh.

Carter glared at him again.

Teal'c, wisely, remained silent.

"For crying out loud, Carter, how could you screw up Jell-o? All you do is add water!"

"Oh crap." Jack muttered.

_"Ouch!"_

_THE END_


	13. Sewage

**Sewage**  
**By Mickey**

STATUS: Completed 12/02/2007

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the Opening Sentences Challenge on the Jackfic list group, submitted by Pat. Unbetaed, so any mistakes are my own.

* * *

"Eeuww… that is _so_ not something I want to see on my dinner plate." Jack muttered.

Teal'c nodded, but sagely remained quiet.

Daniel coughed in an attempt to hide a laugh.

"I mean really, it looks, and smells, like she scraped it out of the sewer." Jack crinkled his nose as he poked his spoon in "soup".

Daniel stifled another laugh then choked and blanched.

Jack looked at his friend. "What?" He asked Daniel, who was now looking slightly green. "You didn't actually _eat_ any of that did you?"

Jack grimaced as he heard someone come up behind him.

"Ouch!"

_THE END_


	14. Frozen Fish

**Frozen Fish  
Mickey**

STATUS: Completed 1/5/2008

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Yeah, she's at it again. Remember, it's the muse's fault. Blame the muse! Written for the December 7th Jackfic drabble word 'frosty'. Unbeta'ed.

* * *

"Uhhh, Carter, these are still a bit ...frosty." Jack said as he dropped his half-frozen piece of flounder back on his plate.

"Yeah, same here."

"I do believe this particular type of fish is meant to be cooked throughly." Teal'c added.

"Everybody's a critic." Sam mumbled.

"And these vegetables look like they were nuked. Literally." Jack dropped the shriveled vegetable that was supposed to be a string bean back on his plate.

"I must have reversed the times."

"Ya think?" Jack leaned towards Teal'c and mumbled; "You'd think she'd be able to at least get that right by now."

"Ouch!"

_THE END_


	15. Tater Tots

**Tater Tots  
By Mickey**

STATUS: Completed 2/22/2008

WORD COUNT: 100

AUTHORS NOTE: Written for the February 21st Jackfic Drabble word "ice". I promise, someday Carter will learn to cook and will get one over on the guys. I'm just not saying when. The muse is having too much fun. Unbetaed. Any mistakes are my own.

* * *

"Uhhh, Sam, I think it's still frozen." Daniel said as he tapped one of his tater tots on his plate.

"They're just a little cold, Daniel."

"They're still as cold as ice! It's more than 'just a little cold'. For crying out loud, Carter, get a cook book already."

Ignoring her team leader and friend, Sam said, "I must have forgotten to turn the oven on."

"Ya think?" Jack turned to Teal'c and muttered, "We can use these for golf balls."

Teal'c nodded solemnly then raised an eyebrow.

Jack turned and, at the look on Carter's face, muttered, "Crap."

_"Ouch!"_

_THE END_


	16. Spicey

**Spicey  
By Mickey**

Status: Completed 9/26/2008

Word Count: 229

Author's Notes: Unbeted

* * *

"So, what's on the menu for tonight?" Jack asked as he sat by the campfire and picked up the MRE wrapper. He'd spent the last two hours patrolling the area and was so hungry that even the Mac-&-Cheese-that-tastes-like-week-old-chicken MRE that was waiting for him was sounding pretty tasty.

Carter handed him a plate and fork. "Here you go, sir."

Having already chocked down a mouthful of his own dinner, and hiding the rest behind a nearby bush when Sam wasn't looking, Daniel tried to warn his friend of what was coming. "You might not want to do that, Jack."

Daniel's warning came a little to late and Jack gagged on a mouthful of food.

"Christ, Carter! They're MREs. How could you possibly screw up an MRE? They're heat 'n eat."

Carter glared at Jack. "Sorry, sir," she began, not sounding the least bit sorry, but a little hurt. "I was just trying to spice it up a little. You know, give it a little flavor."

"With what? Cayenne Pepper and dirt?" Jack gasped, fumbling for his canteen. He drained it in one long gulp.

"Fine. Be that way. When it's my turn to cook again I'll just let you eat your plain old MRE."

Jack raised his arms above his head and looked up. He mouthed, "thank you", then looked into the face of an irritated Major. "Crap."

_"Ouch!"_

_THE END_


	17. Cardboard Cookies

**Cardboard Cookies  
By Mickey**

Status: Completed 9/26/2008

Word Count: 126

Author's Notes: When I started this series I hadn't really figured that it would ever end, but as someone pointed out, Carter would eventually get a cookbook. I've decided that, soon, she will. Once she does, this series will start winding down and, shortly thereafter, will end. Not _too_ soon, though! Unbeted. Any mistake are my own.

* * *

Daniel took a tentative bite of his cookie. While it tasted more like cardboard than oatmeal and was dry, it didn't make him want to instantly gag or hurl.

"Well?" Jack demanded.

Daniel opened his mouth to speak and nearly choked on the half chewed bite.

"Oh come on, Daniel, it can't be that bad." San groused. "I didn't even burn them this time and I followed the recipe. Sorta."

"A minor miracle." Jack muttered as he leaned towards Teal'c, who gave a minute nod in agreement.

"They're . . . ah . . . a little dry." He squeaked.

Jack picked up one of the cookies. "So, Danny, cardboard or Styrofoam?" he asked with a grin. The smile faltered as he looked at a very ticked off Carter. "Ah crap."

_"Ouch!"_

_THE END_


	18. The Stuff

**The Stuff  
By Mickey**

Status: Completed 11/15/2008

Word Count: 276

Author's Notes: The title comes the 1985 movie of the same name. Many thanks, as always, to my beta, Cyn.

* * *

"Kinda looks like the stuff from that old movie "The Stuff"," Jack commented as he stared in horror at the bubbling glob Carter was trying to pass off as a stew.

"Hey," Carter protested, "it doesn't look that bad. Besides, I made it exactly how Léndal said to."

Ignoring her, Daniel commented, "I remember that movie." He shivered involuntarily "Freaky."

Carter pretended not to him and concentrated on their dinner as Teal'c spoke.

"I do not recall that particular movie, O'Neill."

"I'm surprised you haven't seen it yet. It's a so-cheesy-and-stupid-you-can't-help-but-watch-it-at-least-once sci-fi movie from the mid-eighties about some miners who find this white stuff coming out of the ground. They taste it," he held up a hand to stop stall his friend and answered the question he knew was coming, "because if they didn't there wouldn't have been a movie. Which probably wouldn't have been a bad thing." He added with a grimace. "Anyway they taste the stuff, like it and decided to market it as a desert called - surprise - "The Stuff". Long story short, it's some kinda sentient evil thing that takes over people's minds and devours their insides. It takes an ex FBI guy, a kid whose name I forgot and a woman to stop it."

Teal'c pondered what Jack had said for a moment. Then, wisely, merely said, "Major Carter's . . . stew is not white."

"Thank you, Teal'c." Carter said then yelped. "Dang it!" she cried out as her "stew" bubbled over the makeshift pot and smoldered the fire beneath it.

"Better out here in the middle of "Planet No Where" than in my kitchen." Jack mumbled. Once again, he was a little two loud. He cringed at the look on Carter's face.

_"Ouch!"_

_THE END_


	19. Carter Gets a Cookbook

**Carter Gets a CookbookBy Mickey**

Status: Completed 11/15/2008

Word Count: 222

Author's Notes: Now that Carter has _finally_ got a cookbook after 18 stories, these stories will soon be coming to an end. I can't say how many more parts will come though. It all depends on how much longer my muse wants to abuse poor Carter (and Jack to a lesser extent). Many thanks, as always, to my beta, Cyn.

Dedication: This part is dedicated to smithcrafter who gave me the idea for Carter getting a kiddie cookbook.

* * *

"I bought a cookbook." Carter said, grinning broadly.

Jack couldn't hold back the chuckle that escaped him as Carter held up a book titled "The Kids Cookbook".

"Carter, this is the same cookbook Sara brought for Charlie when he was five."

"And your point is?"

"It's for kids!"

"I have start somewhere, sir."

"But it's for _kids_."

Daniel, knowing it was wiser to stay out of this particular conversation, just couldn't resist. "Sam, you they do make a college level cookbook designed for beginners that's _very_ basic. This one," he took the book from her and looked it over quickly, "says it's for ages four to eight."

Carter was obviously not seeing the humor in any of it.

To save his friend from the major's wrath, which was now directed at Daniel, Teal'c quickly added, "What I believe Daniel Jackson was saying, Major Carter, is that someone of your intelligence can surely handle something more advanced than a cookbook designed for young children."

That seemed to calm Carter down. Jack, remembering all the times Daniel wound up throwing up after eating something Carter had cooked, and the time she'd nearly burned down his kitchen, opened his mouth. "On the other hand, this might be right on her level when it comes to cooking." Jack muttered to himself.

And immediately regretted it.

"_Ouch_"

_THE END_


End file.
